“When Apologies Aren’t Enough For People”…
It’s time to move on from them and set yourself free from emotional tyranny
The above was very difficult and painful for me to write, just now.
As someone who has always been a Romantic and dreaded the word “Realism” I have now become aware of the dangers of NOT being realistic.
Romanticism, by it’s very nature, is inherent upon a sense of nostalgia — they rather go “hand in hand” as it were. So — when something or someone hurts me, it’s doubly confusing and painful because I can’t help but be instantly transported back to those happier memories wherein I thought, felt and believed with all my heart that those relationships would last; but in the midst of that happiness it never occurred to me that one day, it would all end.
But then I suppose, if any of us let ourselves even THINK that, then no one would ever get married, right? I mean, no one gets married thinking: “Hey, this is really wonderful but one day it’s going to crash and burn and end.”
Within these past two years, I have a lost a job, two romantic relationships and now, two friendships which were decades long — and of all these losses, it is the friendships that hurt the most because just like with so much in society, we’re told that “When you are at quite possibly one of the lowest points in your life and struggling mightily just to survive from day to day, it’s your friends who you can count on to rally around, support you mentally and emotionally”…
Well — this is a falsehood — which is dangerous. It’s also soul crushing.
I have cried so much, spent so many sleepless nights, going back and re-reading texts, sharing them with my therapist asking: “Is this true? What they are saying about me? Am I to blame? Am I the common denominator here?”
And after much extremely painful self reflection, I have realized this:
No, it really wasn’t me. I did everything that I could possibly do.
I apologized (even when quite honestly, I didn’t feel that there was anything to apologize for; if the other person felt differently, I tried to take that into consideration too, because everyone’s feelings are valid and real to them).
But, it wasn’t enough, and then I realized that it never WOULD BE ENOUGH.
Here’s what I am (slowly, albeit painfully) learning: