The Final Embrace

Apparently, I’m worth about $3,000

And even that might be an over-estimate, according to my former employer.

So — today was the day: mediation with my now former employer. It didn’t go well or rather perhaps I should say that when a financial offer was made, it wasn’t met. At all. As in: not even close. My employment attorney had prepared me for this the previous day: “Don’t take it personally and try to be emotionally detached” — well, I tried, and well, I failed — spectacularly so.

Earlier today, while the sun was still out and before the big snowstorm that is forecast for tomorrow, the 6th, which incidentally also happens to be my birthday(I’m already celebrating: wine, chocolate and cookies) I went for a walk and smoked one of my clove cigarettes…but before this, I did something:

I walked and walked and, at a certain point, I realized that the sidewalk that I was walking on was actually quite narrow and small and it occurred to me, as if in a flash that: if I only just barely stepped off the sidewalk that I would be in the direct path of the oncoming traffic. I stood there, for the longest time, contemplating this, trying to imagine what it would feel like: the smashing sound, I became obsessed by the tires: trucks and cars — which one would I FEEL more? I had my sunglasses on, so I’m fairly certain that both drivers and passerby’s were wondering, “what” if anything, this stylishly clad girl in her warm new Burgundy knitted cap (thank you, Kristian) was doing, exactly.