Endings and Beginnings…

… Existence well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can
The past is now part of my future
The present is well out of hand…

Listening to this, it’s unimaginable to think that Ian Curtis was just 23 when he died by suicide. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I think back to how I was at 23, I am certain that I was not capable of the emotional self awareness and insight to write such profound lines as: “I exist on the best terms I can — the past is now part of my future — the present is well out of hand” — because that’s the thing, isn’t it? The present IS well out of hand.

I’ve been trying to understand “why” — when confronted with the possibility of “change” in my life, instead of feeling inspired and invigorated by it, I usually feel instead, frightened and scared — even though, in looking back, I can see how ALL of those changes which really DID seem scary at the time, actually helped to better my own life. “Fear of the unknown” is, of course, a reasonable explanation…as humans we seem to be hard wired to seek security and certainty — but — if this year has taught me anything, it’s that ultimately these very things that we deem “safe and secure” are so often not.